Baby clothing

I was walking in the baby clothing department searching for some gifts for 2 of my friend’s new born baby girl and my own nephew. All babies clothing are so cute and lovely. But to me, other than that, I don’t feel anything right now maybe because I know it’s not for my own baby. There is no sense of attachment. It feels like I’m doing groceries shopping except this is slightly harder.

I can’t help but wandering what will it feels like if I’m choosing all these for my own baby? Will I be more careful? More picky? Do I feel more special on everything I chose? Do I turn to check all the tags inside to see what this piece of clothe is made of?
Does it have any material in it that will cause rashes on my baby’s skin?
Are all mothers like that?

I’m sure lot’s of women’s dreams is to become a mother, to give birth to a healthy and a loving baby. But I’m not sure if that’s my dream now? I’m confused. Sometimes it is; Sometimes it is not. Some day, I feel I’m so ready, I can be a mom; Some day, I just freak out, I’m so unprepared, I’m not ready.

Should I tell my baby when they are older that they are only 2 yrs old and not 4 yrs old now because their mommy is selfish. Because she still wanted daddy to take care of her, to only care for her and to only focus on her for as long as she would takes. That she still wanted to feel carefree, do things her own way, living her unhealthy life style, watch movies till dawn, go out partying and hangout with friends whenever she wants. Sleep through and lazing around the whole weekend is what she won’t exchange with anything. She wanted a one month Europe trip. She is also afraid of taking the responsibilities. She is not use to it. She still wanted to rely on daddy on most if not all things.

I wish I could give Twain a baby, right now. I know how much he wanted them, baby of our own. They mean so much to him. It is definitely God’s gift. Maybe God knows that deep down, I’m just not ready to be a mother yet. He knows I feel relieve every time I got my period. I never told Twain. And if there is any sign that will tell us if we are ready to be a parent, it is not God, or anyone else but ourselves.

When my baby comes to me, I will be a great mom, this one I promise.