The life that is you

You can choose to be happy or you can choose to be miserable.
Which would you rather be?
You can choose to make productive and purposeful use of the moments in this day.
Or you can choose to let the time slip away and be left with nothing but regret.
Life is what you decide you are going to make of it.
What have you decided to make of the possibility-filled moment that is right now?
You can complain that it's all so very unfair, but all that will accomplish is to bring you down even more.
Or, you can fully accept life as it is and then experience the genuine satisfaction of making your way forward in spite of the obstacles.
You can choose to hide behind excuses or you can open yourself up to the richness of life.
You can decide to make the most of whatever comes your way, and know how great it feels to be fully alive and engaged in your world.
No matter what has come before, life in this moment is what you decide to make it.
Consider all the possibilities, and then choose the life that is you.

-- Ralph Marston

In love with life

Fall in love again each moment with life.
Breathe in the rich, new wondrous possibilities that are continually being born.
Realize what a grand opportunity exists in even the smallest of matters.
Today is a day like no other, and you are magnificently blessed to be a part of all that it encompasses.
The wind blows, the sun shines, night falls, and some days bring brutal cold while others offer stifling heat.
There is beauty, there is tragedy, and there is exquisite fulfillment along with bitter disappointment.
On the surface, life is filled with much adventure, activity, change, confusion, excitement, joy and frustration.
Underlying it all you'll find abiding peace and goodness that can never be denied.
You have the unique, unmatched good fortune of being you, right here and right now.
Take a brief moment to realize and remember who you truly are.
Then look out at the vast expanse of possibilities that surrounds you.
And dive lovingly into it in your own special way.

-- Ralph Marston

Do you believe in God

I'm still in search of my religion.
But I do believe in God.
A friend - Chris helped pray for me & Twain in a prayers group which he always have at his place every Mon in KL.
Janet from the prayer group saw Mother Mary's presence beside me and a bright rosary in my session.
Francis saw this red light in the sky and came the rain for Twain's session.
I seriously do not know what these vision means or what are the story behind but one thing is for sure, I feel calm, and feel lighter with some baggage gone, I finally have the peace of heart and mind after a while.

I have never seen God.
But I do believe in HIS presence and miracles.
Just like the way I'm feeling now - serene is the word.

Hair Cut

Not planned.
Not intended to.
Met up with friends at their friend's place who is a hair stylist.
So, hair is short now because I happened to meet the right man, at the right place at the right time…

Life before 2008

If I were being asked to rank 2007 in 1 out of 10, it will be 7.
I would not rank this a fantastically great year, it is a reasonable good year. I guess it all depend on which area we are looking at, I think.

Life is certainly not a bed of roses where I am now. Life has been crazy lately. I feel like I am rushing with time everyday. Like I need extra 12 hours a day. Work has been crazy and hectic, traffic is madness, bills keep coming in, car service is up again...the list can goes on for hours. Trying to juggle everything at one go isn't easy. Having to deal with work, life, motherhood and all the other stuffs at one go needs better stamina then where my stamina level is now.

Having Renee is definitely the most rewarding thing for me this year. My 2 best moment in a day now is the time I see her at the sitter's place and my sleeping time. It is like she makes the world stops every min I spend with her. All worries fade away. It is strange how looking into her eyes and her little smiley lips just make my lips go wide open too. She is definitely a magician.

Twain have some business issue to solve himself. Fuel charges went sky high overnight few months back and that has definitely make business a lot harder now. Still trying to do damage control and keeping business transactions in place is the after effect from the unforeseen price change in fuel. He must be exhausted too. He might rank this year only a 5 for him. I will find out.

This definitely is not an easy year end for the household financially. But this is life right? Like it or not, life goes on. However, I would prefer to think of this that we are going thru now as a challenge. I believe God will never give a test to a person unless HE knows they can take up that challenge. Plus one never know what is in front of us, can we? We might be looking at a poor ugly looking dry desert now, but who knows if a nice beautiful waterfall mountain is just another 10km in front awaits us.

One thing for sure, we still feel blessed definitely, the fact that we still have all the important people and things in life at this slightly tougher time: Renee, families, friends... and that God has sent 2 angels all the way here to cheer us up so much during this season.

Farewell 2007; Welcome 2008!!
Celebrate Life as Life is too precious to give up at any point.

Christmas 2007

We spent Christmas eve having steam boat dinner and I am telling you dinner was nice and yummy. It was the right kind of food for the eve I think.
I can see that both Sue and Blair enjoyed the dinner too. Twain definitely enjoyed it.

We went grocery shopping at Tesco because we are having the Christmas lunch the Sue way. It was still quite crowded at Tesco. I guess there must be a lot of last min shopping. Sue & Blair are totally amazed at how everyone is still so awake and out here doing all sort of activities like it was during the day time at 11:30pm. From where they are, even the kangaroos are asleep during this time.

We then went to have the usual 101 rojak and fruit juice at the Explaned. That place was quite crowed too. There were strong wind and even the sea water splashed onto our heads and faces once in a while where we sit. There were some fireworks too. It was a very pleasant night.

The moment Renee met her Kai Ma Sue, she gave a huge smile and they got along so well ever since. And you can tell that her Kai Ma Sue is one of her favorite person now. She is alright with Blair too. Blair can carry her and play with her and she didn't start crying. I was so surprise that she did not cry or being cranky at all like what I thot she would.

Renee then started to play by herself in her 4 wheels drive during Chef Blair & Sue cook for us.
They cook like they are cooking for a village. There are so much food for only 4 of us as Min & Meg couldn't make it. But I will have to tell Min that she has missed out huge man as the meal was good!! This 2 cook are some real shit man. Not only they have the style, they can really cook! We had baked broccoli, a pan of nicely baked vege, grilled chicken that you probably can smells from houses away. It was a great lunch and we are honored. According to Sue, most people do Christmas lunch instead of dinner. Unlike here, we usually do dinner. And Christmas eve countdown celebration are definitely more massive here than in Australia. There, most people are already in bed so that they wouldn't bum into Santa while he is here to drop their gift in the sock.

We spend the later part of the afternoon at The Little India where I took Sue to tailored made her Saree as a Christmas gift for this year.
It is such a nice and lovely day overall.
Twain & I enjoyed ourselves. Renee has been happily following us around watching and observing. Just hope that Sue & Blair enjoy our company as much as we enjoy theirs.

Can't wait till Dec

Reason I can't wait tilll Dec is here:

1. it's Christmas!
2. Sue & Blair will be here to visit again!
3. June & Sami's wedding!
4. Renee turning 5 months old!
5. first time we are planning to decorate a christmas tree
6. Christmas shopping
7. holidays...holidays...
8. another brand new year is around the corner
9. and many many more good things await us......

Believe nothing

Believe nothing,
no matter where you read it
or who has said it,
not even if i have said it,
unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.

~Buddha

Hanging out with myself

Twain will be away more and more. I can see this is a hectic hectic year for him. He just got back from KL yesterday, flying to Bangkok the day after tomorrow and Dubai a week later. I'm happy for him for he loves what he is doing and I want him to go all out to do what he wants. Who else loves what they are doing nowadays? I don't even know if I am. I haven't heard much people say they love what they are doing for ages.

The thing I hate about him being away is the fact that he is not around, but I love getting to look forward to his return.

I'm sitting in the living room myself again tonight. Twain had gone to a business meeting and ya people had business meeting till mid night nowadays. Don't ask me why. I ops for some reading while listening to Craig Linders's piano collection tonight and I had always enjoy moment like this. The feeling of serenity and content. The feeling of if given a choice, I will still choose to be where I am right now spending time with myself.

Everyone need to have some things they love to keep them going. For me, besides having time with my beloved family and all my favorite friends, moment like now is what I love, hanging out with myself. It is seriously not as bad as what we think to be alone. I am getting a little hang of it actually.

Blessed

Dear God,
It's me again. Who else is here to bug you in the morning. I know how often I come to You and all for the wrong things but don't be upset or annoyed by tons of my bitching and moaning.
I just want You to know that I might be a bit of a sad case and I know I have an endless list about how my life should be, how things could be better and etc but the truth is I've always feel I am so blessed by You. Where I am now, things I'm doing, my jobs and life I'm heading are all my own choices. If I think it should be any better then I might want to look into rearranging my own priorities and level of commitment.
But You, You had given me a wonderful family, a loving marriage and a great value of health. All these is out of my choice and control and it's given to me by You without me asking. Those are things in life that I will always be thankful for. And if there is any other thing I want to ask for now, it is strength, courage and wisdom I would ask for.
Amen.

Boredom

I’m bored at work today as I have finished doing things that I needed to do.

I’m bored! I nearly fall asleep! Sitting here and acted like I’m busy is really crappy and a waste of time. I want to go home and sleep. This stupid full blast air-cond that is so freezing cold here should be really good for an afternoon nap. Gosh…what the hell am I doing here? What am I going to do for the whole afternoon? I need something to make me awake. I have stole and munched some of my friend’s biscuits. I’m having coffee now and that didn’t help. Damn it. I’m freaking bored…bored to death…bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored!!!

Do you believe that I’m really bored now? I really am.
God help me.

Are we hanging in the middle?

A group of us are hanging out at a club having tea and watching the sea, I told our friends that I think all of us are hanging in the middle. Not up here; not down there; exactly right in the middle. It’s like we are not there yet, we can’t say we have make it, can we? None of us who were sitting there can; but we are not down there either, it’s not like we are at a very bad stage of life now, we are all doing alright. That’s why I said we are hanging in the middle.

A friend asked what is my definition of “we had made it”? I think one can say they have made it when they can just go out, see a house they like and buy it, their problem is not the money, it is whether they come across any house they like or not, then I think they have made it financially. Though there might still be some part in their life that is still missing when one had made it financially. It could be their health, marriage, family and etc.
Life is never prefect, never.

I think everyone should just enjoy life at any stage, even when we have not made it, or even we are at somewhere below average. Everyone should just enjoy life with what we have, with no excuse. At the end of the day, success is not the most important thing, the process is. Isn’t that why a lot of success story and biographic made it to the top selling chart? Seriously, I don’t see a point if one had made it but has nothing to tell the world except he has succeeded, it’s like a car ride without seeing any breathtaking view alongside.

A total Stranger

A very dear friend of mine is going thru a break up. She told me she was not in a very good shape but is getting better when we met up. Then she felt awful again when she found out that the EX said something hurtful and stupid and played ignorance. That hurt like hell.

It’s like the man that you love and trust so much, you planned to spend the rest of your life with, you thought you have know him inside out has suddenly become a total stranger to you? How could that happened? Ya, how could that be? It hurt even more if this happened for no reason, just like that. I still don’t get it, the person that you feel most connected to is now not related to you at all. Not even one bit. And he or she shall be a nobody if not a total stranger when we bump into them.

Unless the person you were with was a complete arsehole, if not I totally understand how going thru this worse patch of life can be. It is shitty. You feel helpless and vulnerable. And we tend to keep thinking back and finding more reasons telling ourselves that we should be together, that we were the perfect couple. The thought that we will no longer have that specific person in our life anymore terrify us. It’s like no more hands, you are all alone. It means no one will be there to listen to our craps, our complaints, to be there to watch TV with, no one to share our dinner with, to laze around with and to give us a hug and a peck when we are tired and need comforting and worse no one to have a wet kiss or to make love to. It is everything. Our world is empty now. It almost collapsed. It has turned cold and grey, just like winter.

I don’t know what to tell her. I am not good at this. I don’t know what the right words are or are there actually any words for this at all? The way I see it, no one can help her except herself. She needs to put that entire burden she got behind and I believe now is still too fast for that. Oh but I did tell her if she feels sad, don’t deny it. Just go with the flow until she feels numb then her body will have the antibody for it eventually. I know what I said was cold, told you I don’t know what to say. But she will be alright and I hope she get over it not because she has to or it is a race to see who got over it first but simply because she finally realize that she is a special person and she definitely deserve someone better.

Sudden death

We were informed that my colleague will be on leave for the whole week. She has just lost her younger brother during the weekend. Her brother was only in his early 20’s. He was on vacation in Redang when this happened and the caused of it is said to be sudden death. I feel shock and sorry and at the same time wondering how things can happen just like that without any hint. We were still talking and laughing on Fri afternoon not smelling that something is going to happen to his brother. I can never and will never be able to accept it if this were to happen to me. I mean who can? Even thinking of it is equally painful. What am I going to do if this were to happen to me? How am I going to get through and get over it losing someone we love so much and grew up with? I will collapse and breakdown.

But then again, maybe God has called upon him for a certain reason and if this is why he has to leave his beloved family and everything on earth behind, I hope my colleague and her family will eventually know that God has had a bigger mission for him and that they should too Believe and rest everything in HIS hand. The truth is we never really may have or own anyone in this world. What we have is the memory of all the wonderful moment we had with them.

Happy Sunday

I had a wonderful Sunday today.
I managed to do everything I wish to do. I managed to take a nap in the afternoon (haven’t done that for ages), eat my favorite laksa, watch my favorite series, drag Twain to go shopping with me and had western food for dinner. I felt content having to do everything I want in one day. And it is simple day like this that makes me happy.

Dive into the rhythm

Sitting at home on this hot hot Sunday afternoon, I refused to leave the house and let the sun melt me into caramel syrup.
My favorite music from the Café Del Mar collection called the Northern Lights is on max volume that I'm sure our neighbor could hear. Lying on the couch with the air from the fan brushing gently thru my face, I just let go and deep dived into the rhythm, letting a set of scenic melody taking full control of me. I just loooove this music! It's dreamy and yet real. You feel like you are reaching the sky and ya, you definitely see the northern light. My heart felt the calmness that I have not felt for ages. It's phenomenal.
If you never try letting music drive your imagination wild or taking your spirit sky high, try it, you will love it.

How long can I do this?

I’ve always think that I have been living a good life. Now that I’m not working anymore, the flexibility I got make me feel even better. I basically do what I want and what I wish any time any day. I don’t have to wake up and rush to work early in the morning and I don’t have to listen to most unreasonable bosses. Chasing for deadline is definitely not found in my dictionary. But I tried to read more, to look up on the internet for information more, look for news and etc more so that I’m not left behind, so that there won’t be a gap between me and the world. I don’t have stress from work to deal with but I do have a totally different kind of stress which I never think I would have before to cope with now and I’m still finding ways to deal with this invisible force.

Today, I had Belgian chocolate wafers for lunch after I did some shopping. As I was sipping away my cappuccino, I can’t help but asking myself how long will this lifestyle goes on? How long can I do this? Forever? I will be lying if I said I’m not enjoying all these. But what if God decided to take it away from me? I always believe God is capable of doing that as a creator of this universe. Reason: to teach me a lesson. Will He do that?

I have noticed lately that as I enjoy more (it can be anything, eg spa, facial, shopping or even just a meal in the restaurant), my guilt grow accordingly. And if I were to explain this in a mathematic equation, it should be Enjoyment = Guilt.

I can’t help but feeling so guilty. I think it is for not contributing to the household although Twain keep telling me it is not necessary. But to me, it is not the matter of whether it is necessary or not anymore, it is the sense of achievement in life that I need to have here. I need to feel like I’m doing something. Anything. I feel like I’m the most useless person on earth. At some point, I think I have lost part of my soul. But I will not let this awful feeling get away with victory just like that. It is not my nature. I always have ways to make peace with myself.

Suddenly I felt a slight sense of relief. It is not the end of the world. I know I will come out with something.

Baby clothing

I was walking in the baby clothing department searching for some gifts for 2 of my friend’s new born baby girl and my own nephew. All babies clothing are so cute and lovely. But to me, other than that, I don’t feel anything right now maybe because I know it’s not for my own baby. There is no sense of attachment. It feels like I’m doing groceries shopping except this is slightly harder.

I can’t help but wandering what will it feels like if I’m choosing all these for my own baby? Will I be more careful? More picky? Do I feel more special on everything I chose? Do I turn to check all the tags inside to see what this piece of clothe is made of?
Does it have any material in it that will cause rashes on my baby’s skin?
Are all mothers like that?

I’m sure lot’s of women’s dreams is to become a mother, to give birth to a healthy and a loving baby. But I’m not sure if that’s my dream now? I’m confused. Sometimes it is; Sometimes it is not. Some day, I feel I’m so ready, I can be a mom; Some day, I just freak out, I’m so unprepared, I’m not ready.

Should I tell my baby when they are older that they are only 2 yrs old and not 4 yrs old now because their mommy is selfish. Because she still wanted daddy to take care of her, to only care for her and to only focus on her for as long as she would takes. That she still wanted to feel carefree, do things her own way, living her unhealthy life style, watch movies till dawn, go out partying and hangout with friends whenever she wants. Sleep through and lazing around the whole weekend is what she won’t exchange with anything. She wanted a one month Europe trip. She is also afraid of taking the responsibilities. She is not use to it. She still wanted to rely on daddy on most if not all things.

I wish I could give Twain a baby, right now. I know how much he wanted them, baby of our own. They mean so much to him. It is definitely God’s gift. Maybe God knows that deep down, I’m just not ready to be a mother yet. He knows I feel relieve every time I got my period. I never told Twain. And if there is any sign that will tell us if we are ready to be a parent, it is not God, or anyone else but ourselves.

When my baby comes to me, I will be a great mom, this one I promise.

Ring

Who said we need to be wealthy to own a 2 carrot ring…
If Twain were to propose to me with this ring, I will still say ‘yes’ anytime.
Seriously. For the creativity and the sincerity.

(picture from June)