How long can I do this?
I’ve always think that I have been living a good life. Now that I’m not working anymore, the flexibility I got make me feel even better. I basically do what I want and what I wish any time any day. I don’t have to wake up and rush to work early in the morning and I don’t have to listen to most unreasonable bosses. Chasing for deadline is definitely not found in my dictionary. But I tried to read more, to look up on the internet for information more, look for news and etc more so that I’m not left behind, so that there won’t be a gap between me and the world. I don’t have stress from work to deal with but I do have a totally different kind of stress which I never think I would have before to cope with now and I’m still finding ways to deal with this invisible force.
Today, I had Belgian chocolate wafers for lunch after I did some shopping. As I was sipping away my cappuccino, I can’t help but asking myself how long will this lifestyle goes on? How long can I do this? Forever? I will be lying if I said I’m not enjoying all these. But what if God decided to take it away from me? I always believe God is capable of doing that as a creator of this universe. Reason: to teach me a lesson. Will He do that?
I have noticed lately that as I enjoy more (it can be anything, eg spa, facial, shopping or even just a meal in the restaurant), my guilt grow accordingly. And if I were to explain this in a mathematic equation, it should be Enjoyment = Guilt.
I can’t help but feeling so guilty. I think it is for not contributing to the household although Twain keep telling me it is not necessary. But to me, it is not the matter of whether it is necessary or not anymore, it is the sense of achievement in life that I need to have here. I need to feel like I’m doing something. Anything. I feel like I’m the most useless person on earth. At some point, I think I have lost part of my soul. But I will not let this awful feeling get away with victory just like that. It is not my nature. I always have ways to make peace with myself.
Suddenly I felt a slight sense of relief. It is not the end of the world. I know I will come out with something.
Today, I had Belgian chocolate wafers for lunch after I did some shopping. As I was sipping away my cappuccino, I can’t help but asking myself how long will this lifestyle goes on? How long can I do this? Forever? I will be lying if I said I’m not enjoying all these. But what if God decided to take it away from me? I always believe God is capable of doing that as a creator of this universe. Reason: to teach me a lesson. Will He do that?
I have noticed lately that as I enjoy more (it can be anything, eg spa, facial, shopping or even just a meal in the restaurant), my guilt grow accordingly. And if I were to explain this in a mathematic equation, it should be Enjoyment = Guilt.
I can’t help but feeling so guilty. I think it is for not contributing to the household although Twain keep telling me it is not necessary. But to me, it is not the matter of whether it is necessary or not anymore, it is the sense of achievement in life that I need to have here. I need to feel like I’m doing something. Anything. I feel like I’m the most useless person on earth. At some point, I think I have lost part of my soul. But I will not let this awful feeling get away with victory just like that. It is not my nature. I always have ways to make peace with myself.
Suddenly I felt a slight sense of relief. It is not the end of the world. I know I will come out with something.
Labels: Life
posted by rainbow after the rain at 12:05 AM
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