Hormones

I think my bad hormone is here again. I think they have successfully conquered and taken over me entirely again this month. In fact, they have never failed to do so. Yup, it should be around now. What can I say, but giving in to them. I feel weak and numb. I can’t fight back. I just can’t. I wanted to but my mind won’t let me. I just let the bad hormones control me for as far as they want to and Twain is always the first one to feel them coming.

When my bad hormone is around, everything is a bad thing, everything. Days are grey. Everything gets on to my nerve. I hate to think, don’t throw me any questions. Don’t ask me to do anything during this time too because I refuse to move. All men are my enemies. I specially hate Twain’s guts. He annoys me 16 hours of the day, the hours that I don’t get irritated by him is when we are asleep. “Don’t say a word. Don’t open your mouth! Leave me ALONE!!” These are my favorite lines.

Twain told me once when I’m with my good hormones, I am such a nice sweet person he wanted to be with forever but not when my bad hormones are around. He is afraid that he can’t take it for long. I was mad and feeling guilty at the same time hearing that. But it’s only a few days I thought and I’m back to my normal self…Is it so horrible? What do you want me to do? I’m a victim too you know? I was being attacked without even realizing it.

Some days, it is all hatred, some days, it is totally emotional. I wanted to cry about anything, if can everything. Everything makes me feel so down. Everything is so hopeless and all I want to do is blast into tears and cry out loud. Some day, I just want to be a bitch. I sit around and bitch and moan about everything.

Gosh…I hate this!! Even chocolate can’t help me now. Evening Primrose obviously didn’t help either.
Waarr…...Where are all my good hormones during this time? Why do they leave me just like that? If I keep letting the bad hormone taking over me, I think Twain will be leaving me next.
Honey, just want you to know that I didn’t mean it to take it out on you and please don’t love me less because of this. I’m only a little monster about 60 days out of 365 days.

Latest sandals fashion…

Have anyone seen the latest sandal’s fashion from Milan? I’m very sure this is the greatest design I have seen this summer. Designed by Bobo of course…I mean who else will come out with such work?!

He must really hated all the left side of the sandals…sigh...
By the way, Bo Bo is a dog of mine.

How long can I do this?

I’ve always think that I have been living a good life. Now that I’m not working anymore, the flexibility I got make me feel even better. I basically do what I want and what I wish any time any day. I don’t have to wake up and rush to work early in the morning and I don’t have to listen to most unreasonable bosses. Chasing for deadline is definitely not found in my dictionary. But I tried to read more, to look up on the internet for information more, look for news and etc more so that I’m not left behind, so that there won’t be a gap between me and the world. I don’t have stress from work to deal with but I do have a totally different kind of stress which I never think I would have before to cope with now and I’m still finding ways to deal with this invisible force.

Today, I had Belgian chocolate wafers for lunch after I did some shopping. As I was sipping away my cappuccino, I can’t help but asking myself how long will this lifestyle goes on? How long can I do this? Forever? I will be lying if I said I’m not enjoying all these. But what if God decided to take it away from me? I always believe God is capable of doing that as a creator of this universe. Reason: to teach me a lesson. Will He do that?

I have noticed lately that as I enjoy more (it can be anything, eg spa, facial, shopping or even just a meal in the restaurant), my guilt grow accordingly. And if I were to explain this in a mathematic equation, it should be Enjoyment = Guilt.

I can’t help but feeling so guilty. I think it is for not contributing to the household although Twain keep telling me it is not necessary. But to me, it is not the matter of whether it is necessary or not anymore, it is the sense of achievement in life that I need to have here. I need to feel like I’m doing something. Anything. I feel like I’m the most useless person on earth. At some point, I think I have lost part of my soul. But I will not let this awful feeling get away with victory just like that. It is not my nature. I always have ways to make peace with myself.

Suddenly I felt a slight sense of relief. It is not the end of the world. I know I will come out with something.

Baby clothing

I was walking in the baby clothing department searching for some gifts for 2 of my friend’s new born baby girl and my own nephew. All babies clothing are so cute and lovely. But to me, other than that, I don’t feel anything right now maybe because I know it’s not for my own baby. There is no sense of attachment. It feels like I’m doing groceries shopping except this is slightly harder.

I can’t help but wandering what will it feels like if I’m choosing all these for my own baby? Will I be more careful? More picky? Do I feel more special on everything I chose? Do I turn to check all the tags inside to see what this piece of clothe is made of?
Does it have any material in it that will cause rashes on my baby’s skin?
Are all mothers like that?

I’m sure lot’s of women’s dreams is to become a mother, to give birth to a healthy and a loving baby. But I’m not sure if that’s my dream now? I’m confused. Sometimes it is; Sometimes it is not. Some day, I feel I’m so ready, I can be a mom; Some day, I just freak out, I’m so unprepared, I’m not ready.

Should I tell my baby when they are older that they are only 2 yrs old and not 4 yrs old now because their mommy is selfish. Because she still wanted daddy to take care of her, to only care for her and to only focus on her for as long as she would takes. That she still wanted to feel carefree, do things her own way, living her unhealthy life style, watch movies till dawn, go out partying and hangout with friends whenever she wants. Sleep through and lazing around the whole weekend is what she won’t exchange with anything. She wanted a one month Europe trip. She is also afraid of taking the responsibilities. She is not use to it. She still wanted to rely on daddy on most if not all things.

I wish I could give Twain a baby, right now. I know how much he wanted them, baby of our own. They mean so much to him. It is definitely God’s gift. Maybe God knows that deep down, I’m just not ready to be a mother yet. He knows I feel relieve every time I got my period. I never told Twain. And if there is any sign that will tell us if we are ready to be a parent, it is not God, or anyone else but ourselves.

When my baby comes to me, I will be a great mom, this one I promise.

Huge pot

We finally bought this old fashioned huge pot we wanted for ages to be placed in the bathroom. The water kept in this pot is very cooling. Can’t be better for the hot summer day!